Consistent Bottom- I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

My consistent bottom was falling into the belief that I am not good enough.

When I was in the grips of my addiction I self-medicated and lied to myself and others. I was chasing the ‘buzz’ to get away from feeling, dealing and coping with life on life’s terms-and to get away from myself (Whoever I was...because, girl, I was double minded and flip-flopped often in actions and talk!). Drowning my sorrow constantly-not realizing that sorrow floats!

I never thought that my drinking was affecting anyone. Heck, I convinced myself that it wasn’t even affecting me! The lies I told still baffle me.

Remembering My Stinkin’ Thinkin’ Lookin’ Like This:

I’m not as pretty as those other girls- I need a beer.

I feel shy and don’t know what to talk about-I wanna get buzzed.
Why am I always being picked on-I need to get high.

He’s cheating on me/Doesn’t like me/Treated me like crap/Gone forever- let’s get wasted!

I messed up big time-I need a drink.

I cannot deal with this right now-I need to get drunk.

(((((((((((((TORNADO))))))))))))))))))

I was in denial until I was finally present for my own experience, had an awakening filled with pain and hope and then realized my life had become completely unmanageable. Not at all what I had hoped it would look like when I was younger.

With the help of others who were part of a 12 Step Program (hearing my story from hundreds of others-sharing their story), faith in God and a willingness from inside myself to finally be honest, I was able to climb out of my rock-bottom, ‘not good enough pit’ and fight for the life and the person I knew I could be! At first I was scared, then I was willing and then, finally, I loved it!

Today, I can now deal with life on life's terms, look people square in the eye, give kindness, compassion and love. I like who I have become. Today, I know that I am enough. Recovery is a process and it rocks!!