Got High Off Deception

I used to get high off of deception for a good part of my life, honestly and literally high. The adrenaline rush I got from getting away with something got me high. I conditioned myself this way because the consequences of honesty got me down, starting from a young age.

“Hey there handsome. Do you watch As The World Turns? Tune in tomorrow, I’m playing so-and-so.” No, I wasn’t.

(((((Instant RUSH!)))))

“Yes, I’m totally fine to drive. I’ve only had one.” Intoxicated.

(((((Rush!)))))

 “I’m staying over at so-an-so’s house.” Nope, I’m really somewhere else.

(((((High!)))))

People knew. I was mostly just deceiving myself.

I stole. Stole money, attention (inappropriately), clothing…hearts. All self-seeking to the extreme got me oh so high. Am I proud of this? Nope. It was my truth though, double minded and sided for near 13 years.

Then, I entered a 12 step program of honesty. Gradually, the deception dissipated and I would catch myself in near lies or even plotting blatant lies quite frequently! I was kinda ticked off about this awareness. No more ‘buzz’ or ‘high’? Conscious set in. Honestly, this was tough for awhile. I was used to getting what I wanted, when I wanted it and how I wanted it for so long, at any cost. Self-seeking to the extreme…going away…slowly.

The extremeness of self-seeking behavior can pounce back into my life if I allow it. It is there. Especially in times of pain and frustration where I don’t want to feel. My program assists in giving me a back bone, it strengthens me when I am weak. Others help in keeping me accountable and on-track, by sharing their own stories I'm able to utilize some of the tools that worked for them. It's also taught me that in order to keep order, I gotta pay it forward!

Near eight years later, I reflect back often on the hard work that has helped me to trust myself in my decision making process; the purposeful interruption of old thoughts and actions. Sometimes I literally and physically have to give myself a gap of time to play the tape forward in order to see the end result. I understand this and am compassionate with my own mind, now. If I mess up, I do what I've learned to do. Also, the same amount of compassion that I have for myself I can give that equal amount to others. That's grown over the years for sure!

I must say, the un-doing was and is not always fun…though it was and is absolutely necessary for loving God, myself, others and this journey called life! Today, I do feel I know a bit more of myself as an imperfect, vulnerable yet strong 32 year-young, dreamer-woman who has a lot of love today and I do my best to act and react from that space.