We All Deserve Love.

Love. I've talked earlier in my blog about the way I was raised in the section of Childhood Memories and how I experienced love, but that is just touching the iceberg for me.

On a crisp, sunny winter morning of December of 2011, I talked to my friend Anne on the phone about some events that happened the night prior with a man I loved. How he had told me to leave him alone, he said, "Can't you see that I am surrounding myself with people who want to drown themselves because I want to drown myself? You are an angel, and I am a bum. A drunken bum." Her few short words in response to what I had just told her, while holding back tears, she said, "We are here for you." I knew what to do.

I immediately got dressed and went to a meeting. I listened to everyone's stories about loving another person, putting their needs on the backburner and losing their desire to live because they were trying to fix another person to the point where they lost who they were. These people had done the same thing that I had, they let another person define who they were, tried to heal others in a way only God and desire can, and took on the feelings of inadequacy. They felt broken-that they were not enough. The result? Baffling and irrational behavior. Walls up to protect and not get hurt. Anger and sadness. Some die from the lonliness they feel like they were never enough.

There is so much more to what I have learned that I can only touch the surface in this blog, though I will tell you this: You, yourself, deserve love. You, yourself, deserve your love just as much as anyone else also. No matter what you have done in the past, no matter how you were raised, treated, beaten or abused, there will come a time where the healing will begin. Unlearning, deciding to be a new person who deserves to be loved, is extremely painful, though worth every effort!

My mother says we have all have layers, like onions. So true. I know I have layers of pain, deception, loss and lies...all in my past. It's a choice to continue to carry that garbage. I needed to look at everything I didn't like in myself and clean house, peeling away the layers of garbage (control, anger, hate, know-it all attitude, insecurity, hypocrisy, lack of, bitterness, regret, resentment, victim mentality, selfishness and chaos). After doing that, after continuing to do this, I am new again and anything, everything, is possible. Literally a brand new person with so much space to fill with love and kindness, for God, for myself, and for others. It has been a process though, to say the least, and I'm still working on it.

I've seen in another person a mirrored reflection of myself. Everything from choices made, fear in the eyes, hurts and constant searching. All of a sudden, I realize that I am in no position to judge anyone. We all have a journey, a healing process and choices. What do I believe all this is for? Love. Openness. Understanding. Empathy. Compassion. Honesty. For no longer choosing chaos but deciding to love ourselves enough to want sanity and happiness. For peace and contentment in a new way of living, a loving way to live.

There is so much beauty in living in the light and leaving the darkness behind. Sunlight, moonlight, starlight, the light in a person's eyes and light radiating from a person's face. I view this as love. Love for ourselves, love from others and love from God-we all have our journey to feeling we deserve the good things. Most importantly, we all deserve love.