I Had To Deal With My Past To Be Free To Move Forward

When A.A. began, the success rate of staying sober stayed low until the 12 Steps were added to create a program of recovery.

I remember when my first sponsor handed me 4th Step worksheets she looked a bit concerned. She said,"Write it all down, don't judge yourself in the process and be honest. This isn't for me, it's for you Amber." I looked down at the inventory sheets: Who I Harmed, Who Harmed Me, Resentments, Fears, Sexual Conduct...OH MY GOSH!! I did NOT want to do all of this!

Then I realized: "How I have been living isn't working. These people look happy and I am not." So, I began to write. (Note: After the promise of a spiritual awakening as a result of doing the steps had come true for me-blew my MIND-, I did another 4th Step. I had lost hope for awhile after a series of events in my life had occurred. That second 4th Step kick-started my gratefulness!)

Through the process of writing it all on paper, I saw patterns and learned about myself and others. I became educated about my own selfishness, lies and the effects it had in my life and in the lives of others close to me. The fears I was still living out of never being accepted or heard was even a lie! I learned that life, and people, were not all that bad. My parents and others, even God, were not to blame. Heck, I never even asked my parents or God for help or guidance! I had just simply made poor choices, created stories about others, took everything so personal (because it was ALL ABOUT ME) and not stood up for myself enough! I got a different perspective. I wanted to live differently.

For awhile, I had lost my sanity and gratefulness. Taken so much for granted in the 'whoa is ME' lifestyle. Here was my chance to change and be grateful! Other people had done this step, dissected their past way of living and felt the same as me? Wow. I wasn't so unique after all (this is something I still have to remind myself, otherwise I start to think I'm better than or less than).

My past has a purpose. It's made me stronger. No longer do I have to dwell in it with 'what ifs' and 'I/they could or should have'. It is what it is. So how do I grow from it? Amend hurt and stay in an attitude of gratitude. Help another. Appreciate what is good, and cut out what doesn't work (what creates damage internally or externally)- the chaos. Get out of the habitually selfish lifestyle and ask God what He'd have me do, daily. Yes, this gave me gratefulness again, appreciation for life. All of this is still a daily reprieve. It's dangerous to think I have graduated!

I had to deal with my past to be free to move forward, otherwise I was sitting on garbage and deteriorating on the inside. I didn't want a stinky life. I wanted a mountain-top, HELLO BEAUTIFUL LIFE kind of life! The kind of life my parents and God had always intended for me to have.

All from openness, honesty and willingness to grow and change what wasn't working. Not easy, though my outlook upon life changed. Today, I am grateful.