On the back of my 7 year medallion it states, "To Thine Own Self Be True". I try to remember this daily, though, after a break-up of a relationship, I cling to these words. They have reminded me over and over to be the person I desire to be. What can I learn from this? How can I grow and be a better person?
Through my recovery, I've learned how to handle many stressful events by making huge mistakes and then, in turn, learning from them and not continuing in the same insane pattern. Trying something different. When break-up feelings, reactions and emotions become extremely difficult for me, I do my best to not sweep them under a rug to deal with later on. That brings baggage into my future and fills me with lingering resentment.
After a relationship ends, I could do many things to try to numb the pain like run to another man or many men who will adorn me with affection and attention (No thanks, not interested-only has created hurt feelings and delays of grieving the loss of my last relationship. It's a nice ego rub, but phony and biased attention honestly makes me sick to my stomach. Plus, then I'm just using another person for my scratching post.); stay in denial about my part in the breakup (This keeps me stuck and angry. I don't like either of those feelings.); eat my feelings (Umm, I was once already extremely overweight and I hated looking in the mirror. So, no.); complain, cry and possibly lie to get other people's sympathy and attention (Well, shoot, once the stigma of this wears off, I'm still stuck with myself...forced to feel anyway.); or even possibly drink or use (Everything would go down the drain and I'd be toppled with yet more pain. Not an option, not for me.).
Nahh. For me-and my conscience-it's a whole lot simpler and loving to myself and others if I just do the things I love to do like go on friend dates; hit a meeting; be of service to others to get out of 'me' for awhile; boogie down on the dance floor; write; hang with my family (they love me most); paint; read inspirational self-help books; maybe 4th step the relationship so I learn a bit about myself and others (and don't repeat old behaviors so much in the next relationship); go on a relaxing vacation; create and build some dreams; and pray to God that I continue to do what He'd have me do. Then, when I take my inventory at the end of the day, I can sit comfortably with myself.
Chaos is no longer my friend. It never served me anything good in my past except hard lessons that hurt, so why would I want it in my future? Nope, I want to continue into my Thirties with my head held high and my heart beating with hope...even when there is no man holding my hand.
As an addict, it's important for me to keep both feet on the ground after any loss; to stay grounded in reality. To thine own self be true. That gives me piece of mind, serenity and hope for a better future. Plus, I trust in God and He loves being my main squeeze/scratching post. Lol!
Facing It All: When I still love the person, I feel and sit with that...it teaches me a lot about myself. My last relationship had many facets, and yes, I still love him; I learned how to also love and stay patient in ways I've never experienced or thought I was even capable of. I am grateful and thankful. He will be my Muse inside writing for quite some time. I never knew I could learn so much from someone in 7 months-and oh so much wisdom he has! Thank you D., for everything.
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