When I was younger I never realized the importance of the facts in that the decisions I make today design my future. I do now. Today, I can honestly say that I am at peace with myself. I love the woman I have become.
Rewind.
As a child, I was more kind and giving, trusting and caring. Around 6th grade, however, I realized that people can be so cruel and inconsiderate. I became disheartened. One incident after another occurred and I fell into a victim state of mind. My grandmother passed in my early teens and I turned to pot and alcohol to cope with the pain. Faith that God had a plan was only woven intermitantly. I became indifferent in all my decisions.
In my late teens, I clung to a dream I had had since I was a child- to become a moviestar. Hope rose up and gave me direction. Minus my drinking (denial of a problem still strong), I intuitively knew what to do and what not to do. All the books I had read, knowledge and wisdom from others who had 'made it' was instilled in me now. I was so glad to have taken all that advice seriously and apply it to my life, for wonderful things happened. Though drinking, money and men were immediate gratifications. They took presidence over my dream and I lost my way.
After becomming sober in 2005, I realized I needed new dreams. Again, I dove into books to learn more. I had direction if I continued to focus on what I ultimately wanted. Instant gratification had lied to my soul and the person I hoped to be. I knew it would all come in time if I simply did what I knew inside I had to do-for the 'ultimate'.
Dreams came true left and right in my life, though I was still dissatisfied. Why? I had worked so hard! Sober, married, great career path, accomplishments, money, foster mom, houses, amazing friends and family...why wasn't this enough? This attitude effected everyone close to me and I was depressed.
After a divorce and doing more of the same victim thinking for quite sometime, I felt so stuck. Where had I made a sharp left where I should have made a soft right? I started listening to others who were wiser than me. Praying constantly. Finally, I got it! Let go of my pride (hadn't been working for a long time). I decided to get more involved with my program of recovery. It didn't happen overnight, and not even in just a few months, but it did happen-The Spiritual Awakening that was promised years prior. BAM! To my knees I went. My ultimate was things, accomplishments, what others thought of me, money. Garbage! God needs to come first or I will be lost inside and I will be a mess.
Now, today, my Ultimate is asking His guidance in all things I do. Continuously sharing, caring, loving and keeping my eyes on the Ultimate that's been working for loving life, people and myself-Eternal Life. Everything else just falls into place. Inside of this direction I feel whole, grateful and inspired daily; staying sober of the mind, body and spirit.
No longer do I wish to trade the Ultimate in for the immediate. I firmly believe in God and, also, that you can't keep a sober girl down.
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