I've noticed in recovery, relationships that last are kinda few and far between. When I ask the happily married couples I know why, they responded with, "Takes work", "Not content", "Upbringing", "Not ready" and "Selfish." I thought to myself, "Wow, I've got a lot to learn." Eventhough I was married just a few days shy of five years, it didn't last. When I get married again, it's for good. I better learn and apply new principles!
So I went on a quest to get advice from people who I know have happy marriages and who've been married atleast 5 years-that's 1,825 days! If it really takes 10,000 hours to become a professional at something, they've done that atleast 4x (the couples have been married much longer than 5 years)!
Written exactly how the responses were given to me, these couples had some time to think of the 5 top pieces of advice that has worked for them (and of course, they shared more after-see below). 3 from MN, 1 from CA and 1 from NYC. These couples taught and inspired me with their wisdom through being happy pros. Woohoo!
#1
1) You must be happy first, and when you are, your positive mood will ultimately affect your relationship with your spouse and all the other people in your life, too.
2) Let go of and move on from the "small" and "insignificant" quirks and annoyances that both YOU and your partner have.
3) Be a good friend, listener and supporter of your partner; and sometimes put your partner first.
4) Everyone needs a little space and time to pursue his/her own interests and hobbies with friends or alone. You don't have to do everything together, AND you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting alone time.
5) Give compliments! It's nice to hear them from the people who love and care about you most.
#2
1) God is All Things.
2) Self Content.
3) Unconditional Love.
4) Open-Mindedness and Acceptance.
5) Compatibility.
#3
1) Having God come first.
2) Separate personal checking accounts, but one joint household account for budgeting.
3) An hour a day or a date night once a week where you have face-to-face talk time...walk together.
4) Honesty. No secrets. Spouses should always know where the other one is at. Secrets are not honest.
5) Saying "I love you" every day with kisses, as long as your teeth are brushed.
#4
1) Honesty.
2) Trust.
3) Compassion.
4) Doing things for eachother even when someone doesn't ask.
5) Intimacy.
#5
1) The past is...passed. Leave it there if it isn't part of the present.
2) Love unconditionally the one you are with. Don't love hoping that your spouse is going to change. If you knew their character defects when you married them, then accept them the way they are. After all, you fell in love with them the way they ARE, not the way you hoped they would become.
3) Does love mean never having to say you are sorry? Nope. You should be willing to say, "Sorry honey, I screwed up", and mean it. Also that it won't happen again.
4) Forgive easily. If your spouse says they're sorry, accept it and understand that if you don't first forgive you shouldn't expect to be forgiven. That's in the Bible and found in the Lord's prayer, "Forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US."
5) If you exchanged wedding vows, remind yourself of just what you promised. "I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life." Those words "Honor" and "Love" aren't meant for just now and then. Honor means to hold in high esteem, and to show respect.
Extra Advice I Learned From Also:
-"If you have a happy marriage, you are one with your spouse. It doesn't mean everything is easy, nor does it mean that you won't be angry at times."
-"Sometimes they seem like a lot of work, until you realize how much you've been given."
-"Getting through those tough times and putting them in the past so they don't affect your present and future is one of the keys to a successful and lasting relationship."
-"Have your own bedroom and bathroom for your own personal space."
-"Listen and sympathize. It builds trust."
-"You don't always have to agree with your significant other."
-"Take responsibility for your own happiness."
-"Have mutual respect for one another and don't pull each other down. If you're sad and depressive, go see a doctor. If you have a pain that lasts a long time, see a doctor. Your spouse is not your doctor and if they are, you're both in trouble and I wouldn't want to hang around you both much."
-"When you say you're going to do something, do it. If you don't you systematically destroy trust. Marriages with lack of trust need hard, sweaty work."
-"Be loyal by making sure they know you'll always stand by them. Put them second to God in your life."
-"Encourage eachother."
-"Express how you both are feeling toward one another. If there's a problem, make sure they know about it. You should feel safe with your spouse and confident."
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