Sometimes Letting Go Hurts

Old habits die hard.

I remember two summers ago, riding on a jet ski at a lake. The sun was bright, more alive than me. Just about everything in my life had changed over the past six months. I felt so alone, even around the closest of family and friends.

Six months prior, I had divorced from my best friend, moved to my home state of Minnesota from Oklahoma, was no longer a foster-parent, was living in an apartment with my brother and not attending very many meetings. I felt spiritually dead.

And to cope? I latched onto a fantasy. A fantasy of being with a man I had known since I was 8 years old. All I wanted was to feel alive and loved at any cost. He started to be more important to me than God, so when he decided to marry another woman, I was devastated and blamed God.

I am human, therefore I was given my own free will. I made a heaping pile of poor choices and could hardly stand myself. Yet I was blaming God. Why? Maybe because I knew, if anyone, He could take it. Maybe I was just in survivor mode and so depressed at my life being flipped upside down. Why would He not steer me right direction?! How could I have been so wrong?

Well, I don't have the answers. I just know that on that lake I rode into the sunset hard and fast. Tears were streaming down my face, and I was lost, sad, angry and, most of all afraid. I yelled at Him. Told Him I was going to let go, "I'm going to trust in you, God! I'm gonna trust in You! But, you better give me something to do! I need something to do, okay?!"

Maybe it was my own thoughts, but I heard something loud and clear. You know what I heard? I heard, "Write a book." I had purpose for something now, I felt.

I didn't quite listen to the instructions I was given right away. Ha! Two years later, after getting a counslor, being more active in recovery, spending lots of money quickly, chasing even more men, trying to play God, losing a child and going through more depression, entering al-anon, quitting gambling, struggling to stay single and just be okay with who I was, finally feeling a deep sense of appreciation and love for myself, helping others more, shaking the selfishness and asking God yet again for help...then falling in love with a wonderful man with so much similarities, it's sometimes like looking in a mirror...I heard the message again. "Write a book."

I am not a victim anymore. Life happens and I choose my reactions. God speaks, and I either choose to listen, or I don't. Am I a stronger person from all the choices I made and lessons I learned-the hard way? You better believe it! Did I amend what harm I did? I did my best. Am I still open to learning and willing? Yes, yes I am. Might it have been an easier road to have just simply listened two years ago? Probably. But I can't change the past, nor shut the door on it. It's part of my story now. I'm writing the book, finally!

Sometimes it's so painful to let go and let God help me with my life, though I must always remember that He loves me. He cares for me, deeply. And my life is a lot easier, more manageable, when I just stop defying Him and let Him have His reigns.