Will Always Remember 9/11

It is 12 o'clock noon, Tuesday, September 11th, 2001 when I finally wake up in my basement apartment in Queens, New York. I don't need to be to my acting class in Manhattan until 2:00 pm, so I have plenty of time. Jump into the shower. Shampoo my hair. Lather my 19 year old body. The bathroom door then opens with a SWOOSH-

"The Twin Towers were bombed! My dad just called me from Savannah," shrieked an acquaintance who just helped me move from that southern city only four days ago.

"What are the Twin Towers?" I seriously didn't know.

"Just hurry up. We need a television!" 

I hadn't even unpacked my t.v. yet, so as soon as I got out of the shower we rushed down the block to the local bar. Everyone was there. Like, near the whole neighborhood. Some were sipping on drinks, but most were just wanting to be near other people. Everyone was glued to the television that revealed massive amounts of smoke and crashing buildings. I didn't understand.

"Beep, beep, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!" Phone message after phone message was finally coming through on my phone. 18 new messages? Wow.

I called my voicemail and the first message was from my mother. Frantic. Sad. Scared. She wanted me to come home to Minnesota, and pronto! I couldn't do that. I just got here.

"Mom, I'm okay. I love you so much...No, I'm not by there. I promise."

Though I didn't know what The World Trade Center or the Twin Towers were, it was only a short month ago that I had stood at the edge of the Staten Island Ferry Boat with those two lovely towers sparkling behind me. I only knew them as a magical backdrop for my proclamation on camera to a couple of foreign men, informing them that New York City was now my new home. Plus, acting school just started yesterday. I couldn't leave now. No way!

Once she heard my voice and got the facts of my whereabouts, my mother settled a bit...but I still didn't understand. I didn't even quite understand my mother's panic. It's as if my brain had unlocked the system overload button, or something spectacular like that! What I focused on, however, was drinking. There were many people around me who were willing to drink about it. Yes, I mean, go out to a bar and drink about what just happened. So we did.

I did. I got wasted on September 11th, 2001. I will always remember the selfishness and lost feelings I had inside of this decision. For many years, it has haunted me that I just wanted to get drunk. I had the mind of a practicing alcoholic. I get that now.

Now today, on September 11th, 2014, life is waaaaaaay different. First of all, I'm writing this. I care. I want people to maybe get something out of the story I'm sharing about my life. About the destructive choices I made thirteen years ago. So, that's different. I prayed this morning. Yep. Much different than the past! And I also achieved one of my dreams today by acting on a nationally televised set. It only took 11 years after graduating from acting school, but hey, who's counting? Oh yeah, my inner critic! Ha! No but really, what a wonderful experience today! Lastly, I'm fantastically sober. I'm S-O-B-E-R! That is not just different. That's purely a miracle in my eyes.

See, promises, dreams and miracles...they really do come true. Life can definitely be tragic and so incredibly confusing. Sometimes it's like:

"OKAY! Who signed me up for this? I want out," however when I hold onto hope, life seems to sway a little less abruptly and can sometimes propel me in an amazing direction. Yes, even on a historically tragic day like today.

To those who told me at the beginning of my sobriety nearly nine years ago that life may not get better but it will definitely get different, thank you for that. I understand what that means today and I love you. Very much.

Thank you all for letting me share.