Self-Motivated Intimacy

Okay, so I just got an email this morning from a woman in recovery who lives in New Zealand that I thought would be great to write about my own experience. I only have a half hour lunch break, so I’m sure I may miss some key points, however, I think it’s a great topic!

She said, “I am only six weeks sober and I desperately want to have sex. My sponsor and I did step-work on my sexual inventory and I want to be true to my word to wait and respect myself. How did you deal with this? Did you date?”

Well…hmm…honestly, I got married 3 months sober BUT he went away for 6 months. In that time I really had time to sit with myself, have peace and quiet and not a bunch of male distraction. I focused mostly on my career as a literary agent and maintaining sobriety. Though, after I got divorced, it was extremely hard to just be alone and deal with the fact that I no longer was a foster-mom or a wife. I didn’t like much about my life, honestly, and went back to my old ways-though still not drinking.

If you think about it, what’s our main second addiction while we are still drinking/using…? Sex? Men/women? Attention? So that is definitely what I fell back on and I couldn’t figure out why I was so miserable! Then after many months of more of the same, I took a course on sexual integrity and realized I hadn't been applying some strong principals into my life that I’ve learned over the years. I was simply flying around, “Look at me! Pay attention to me! Make me feel good!” Seriously. I was sick of myself…and so were a few of my closest relatives and friends (we won't even talk about a couple guys' hearts I had on a string-maybe later when there is more time).

So, we all do what we want anyway…but, like my sponsor used to always say, “Fast forward that tape til the end. What is the end result if you make that decision?”...

I decided no longer was I going to be intimate with anyone who I did not see myself spending the rest of my life with. Some of my friends say, “Well, you can just have one night stands still, can’t you?” Um, no. People (including myself) get hurt, get their hopes up because- if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. Then I owe an amend to myself or another because my intentions were Self-Motivated Intimacy...and they thought it might be more. That keeps the decision pretty simple for me.

Now, I am not a saint. Not perfect. I relapsed briefly-painfully-for two days with the LOOK AT ME, PAY ATTENTION TO ME and lack of sexual integrity about 7 months ago. I learned a lot and got back on track-quick! Like Oprah always says, "After you know better, you do better."

I hope that helps… and thank you for reading! I've always wanted to go to New Zealand, maybe someday :)